(no subject)

[noahgibbs]

I have a brother dying of cancer. We're not close, not really. He's a good guy, but that doesn't magically mean I've been putting in the effort to see him after I left Texas. I haven't.

It doesn't look like the kind of cancer you get better from. He's doing chemo and radiation therapy, but I don't get the impression that *he* thinks he's going to get better, either. He's... relaxed about that? "At peace" sounds more relaxed than he (or I) ever really gets. But he's the kind of easygoing about it that is less "confident in the fight" and more "well, what are you gonna do?"

I'm near the end of a family visit to Austin, and to the family town-of-origin. I'm reminded why I don't come back more. Which kinda seems petty, and yet really isn't.

I don't know what I'd do for me at this point. I *do* know what I'll do -- and not do -- for my kids. So we won't be back for quite some time, and we've told them why.

My kids are what I get in this life as far as a cause more important than myself, with my wife a close second. It's odd being able to say to myself, and mean it, "I can optionally figure out what I think of this as I go. But I already know what I'm going to do."

It's odd to be in a lot of "never been here before, never done this" situations and yet still feel so certain about what to do. But I do.

Comments

[meganursula]

Family is hard. I am always so conflicted. (And by and large my family is made of decent people.)

[nadyne]

Family is hard. It's not petty to not be close to your family.

I'm not sure if I'm jealous of leaving this place and everything associated with that.

[noahgibbs]

Yeah. It's hard to tell. My wife has entirely cut off contact with her branch of the family. And in their case, it's clearly the right call. So yeah, I understand the weird mixed not-exactly-jealousy feeling you mean.