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Away on a work trip...
So I have a bit of time to think and novel stimulus.
Though I've been "on" around people a lot, so I'm also more than slightly stunned.
Inverness has been a lot of being disconnected from everybody outside my family. It's not that I *never* see anybody else, but mostly I'm unplugged from the world except for occasional Zoom calls with random folks. Which are good, and I appreciate them, but still.
My productivity has been fine over the pandemic. But I'm starting to feel the strain, and it's feeling hard to reconnect with *why* I want to do what I do. All of it really, though I'm thinking about programming and teaching right now, because I'm off with work folks.
I'm still not short-term energised by being around people -- people are very tiring, and I'm actually withdrawing and napping or zoning out for a lot of the evening, or at least the two I've had so far. I'm not used to them any more, and I definitely don't have my social mental machinery in order. It's been quite awhile. And, y'know, work trip, so it's different from hanging out with a big group of friends, which is *also* tiring.
But I'm remembering that a lot of the stuff I do is motivated by people. One of the best things that happened this trip is that a young coworker actually started his Ruby journey with my book, and recommends it highly. I wrote it over ten years ago, and there are a fair number of people who have read it and benefited from it. That's awfully nice. And it makes me feel a lot more like actually *doing* things. There have been a lot of little moments of that general kind, remembering that I do what I do for people, and I find my community motivating.
I mean, I knew that. But it's been a lot more in the abstract in the last few years. I find my community motivating as an idea, but it's not like I actually talk to them much. And eventually that gets very draining.
It's definitely time for me to find a more regular way to talk to Ruby folks. And not just coworkers. I mean, the coworkers are great, including some of the best I've ever had. But there's still a difference between talking to Ruby community folks and coworkers as far as getting me jazzed to go out and help.
I've gotten into deep ruts over the last few years. I'm still working hard, but I've lost a lot of the little moments that bring me joy. I've tried hard to keep a good attitude while grinding through the constant work, but that's not actually the same as doing it in a reasonable, sustainable way.
I still don't know what that looks like in our current plague times ("ha ha, only serious.") But this has been a reminder that I need to try hard to find out, because my current method is fraying a *lot* at the edges.
I've had a lot of little reminders that I can ignore -- got halfway through editing that podcast, then took a *year* of hiatus thinking I'd pick it up any week/month here, for instance. Small stuff I could reasonably call normal. And I don't want to wail "I'm not okay!" As humans go, I don't really get to complain, especially with how hard covid lockdown has hit so many people.
But this isn't really normal, and I'm not actually as okay as I want to be. And while I don't need to complain to people about it, I *do* have to be honest with myself about it or I won't fix it. And it's time to start thinking in terms of fixing it rather than enduring it. I don't mean because of anything about the Covid graphs, which exhaust me just to think about. I mean because I'm starting to run low on pure endurance and willpower. I have a lot of both. But I lean *way* too hard on them. This little pattern of abusing them is near its expiration date, and it definitely smells funny.
Though I've been "on" around people a lot, so I'm also more than slightly stunned.
Inverness has been a lot of being disconnected from everybody outside my family. It's not that I *never* see anybody else, but mostly I'm unplugged from the world except for occasional Zoom calls with random folks. Which are good, and I appreciate them, but still.
My productivity has been fine over the pandemic. But I'm starting to feel the strain, and it's feeling hard to reconnect with *why* I want to do what I do. All of it really, though I'm thinking about programming and teaching right now, because I'm off with work folks.
I'm still not short-term energised by being around people -- people are very tiring, and I'm actually withdrawing and napping or zoning out for a lot of the evening, or at least the two I've had so far. I'm not used to them any more, and I definitely don't have my social mental machinery in order. It's been quite awhile. And, y'know, work trip, so it's different from hanging out with a big group of friends, which is *also* tiring.
But I'm remembering that a lot of the stuff I do is motivated by people. One of the best things that happened this trip is that a young coworker actually started his Ruby journey with my book, and recommends it highly. I wrote it over ten years ago, and there are a fair number of people who have read it and benefited from it. That's awfully nice. And it makes me feel a lot more like actually *doing* things. There have been a lot of little moments of that general kind, remembering that I do what I do for people, and I find my community motivating.
I mean, I knew that. But it's been a lot more in the abstract in the last few years. I find my community motivating as an idea, but it's not like I actually talk to them much. And eventually that gets very draining.
It's definitely time for me to find a more regular way to talk to Ruby folks. And not just coworkers. I mean, the coworkers are great, including some of the best I've ever had. But there's still a difference between talking to Ruby community folks and coworkers as far as getting me jazzed to go out and help.
I've gotten into deep ruts over the last few years. I'm still working hard, but I've lost a lot of the little moments that bring me joy. I've tried hard to keep a good attitude while grinding through the constant work, but that's not actually the same as doing it in a reasonable, sustainable way.
I still don't know what that looks like in our current plague times ("ha ha, only serious.") But this has been a reminder that I need to try hard to find out, because my current method is fraying a *lot* at the edges.
I've had a lot of little reminders that I can ignore -- got halfway through editing that podcast, then took a *year* of hiatus thinking I'd pick it up any week/month here, for instance. Small stuff I could reasonably call normal. And I don't want to wail "I'm not okay!" As humans go, I don't really get to complain, especially with how hard covid lockdown has hit so many people.
But this isn't really normal, and I'm not actually as okay as I want to be. And while I don't need to complain to people about it, I *do* have to be honest with myself about it or I won't fix it. And it's time to start thinking in terms of fixing it rather than enduring it. I don't mean because of anything about the Covid graphs, which exhaust me just to think about. I mean because I'm starting to run low on pure endurance and willpower. I have a lot of both. But I lean *way* too hard on them. This little pattern of abusing them is near its expiration date, and it definitely smells funny.